Have you ever used the expression “feeling some type of way?” Or have you been around someone who has said it?
I will tell you, in 2026 I was and have been feeling some type of way. So much that somewhere along the way, I lost myself a little bit.
There were long moments where I just didn’t have the motivation to do the normal things I was so used to doing. Things that had always come easy to me suddenly felt like an exhausting chore. Peopling became hard for me. It took everything I had.
The truth was, I was so incredibly lost inside that it took absolutely everything I had to pull out the happiness so no one could see the pain underneath it, including my husband.
It really hit me hard in early summer. I found myself incredibly exhausted, to the point that if I sat down on the couch, I couldn’t get back up. I knew something was wrong. We were entering my favorite time of year, and I couldn’t find the strength to be present in it.
Eventually, it started becoming noticeable on the outside. I had people asking me if I was okay because my light just wasn’t shining as bright. Of course, I would smile and say, “Yes, I’m just a little exhausted and stressed.”
But in reality, it was more than that.
So I spent quite a bit of money visiting doctors and running tests, only to have everything come back saying I was okay. That’s when I started stepping back and asking myself why I was feeling this way. Why did this seem to start in June?
Then I realized it probably started sooner than that. I just wasn’t as active before June, so I didn’t notice it as much.
A few months earlier, I had started ramping up my energy drink consumption. Honestly, they were often replacing my water intake. Then May and June came, the gardens started, and my activity level went way up.
I started wondering if the energy drinks could be part of it, so I removed them from my diet and started drinking more water. I also added a multivitamin along with vitamins D3 & K that I take daily.
About a month later, I started feeling better.
It helped tremendously, but I still wasn’t myself.
My body was handling stress differently. I was and still am a little more emotional. So I started digging even deeper and visited a local doctor who started talking to me about perimenopause.
As much as I wish I could tell you I immediately went home and educated myself on everything perimenopause, I haven’t. But I need to. I also have a few skeletons in my closet that I think may be holding me back from the power I know I have inside of me to become the woman I am meant to be. I have some healing to do, but before I can do that I need to dig a little deeper to find exactly what needs fixing.
My mother passed away in April of 2025.
It has been more than a year without her, and you would not believe how many times I have looked at the favorites in my phone and seen her name sitting there. She was always just one click away.
I would have called her a million times if I knew that just one of those times she would have picked up.
I have so many questions I never got to ask her. And right now, I need her more than anything.
She may be the only person who would truly understand what I am feeling inside because I am, without a doubt, my mother’s daughter.
I see her every single time I look in the mirror.
I’m also realizing things about her now that I couldn’t see when she was here. I’m realizing how much she truly did and how much effort she put into making sure my father and I had some sort of relationship. I realize now that she was the driving force behind so many of the conversations that took place.
As a child, I watched my mother just handle everything.
I watched her work three jobs to keep the lights on and food on the table.
I remember being a young adult and feeling angry with her because I thought she never taught me certain things I needed to know or expect as a woman.
But today, I realize she taught me something much bigger.
She taught me how to be independent.
She taught me how to be successful.
She taught me how to be strong.
Maybe she didn’t sit me down and teach me those things with words. She taught me by living them every single day.And it is her who I have to thank for making me into the woman I am today.
Please forgive me for my season of changing, figuring it out, healing, and rediscovering the woman in me.
Moral of the Story: Seasons change for a reason and with change comes growth. Not going to hide from it any more, here is to sitting front row of this shit show ❤️✌🏼-Jamie
